30 Days

= tidal

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Oh haters, how I love you so. Go on, tell me more about how I’m a failure, a nobody, a selfish bitch, a quitter. Keep on doubting me, judging me and telling me I don’t know anything about real pain. It really gives me a deep sense of satisfaction to know how wrong you are.

Tell me, what part of playing varsity sports throughout high school with busted menisci and a torn labrum screams wimp? How about playing three years of college ultimate and three years of club ultimate on two partially torn ACLs?

Remember that time I got into UCSD and made the dean’s list every quarter? I think the words you’re looking for are Cum Laude.

What about that time I joined the Army to put myself through school so my parents wouldn’t have to? Oh, you think I gave up on school for fun? Or because I couldn’t hack it? Let me tell you about fun and hacking it, dear friends. 12 mile ruck marches with a full 80lb pack while wearing +45lbs of gear were for fun. Sleepless nights and smoke sessions until the walls sweat were the norm, as were 5AM runs in a t-shirt, shorts, 30 degree weather and snow. How about earning the titles of Soldier Leader of the Cycle in Basic and Distinguished Honor Graduate in AIT. Last I checked, I still hold the record for highest GPA in ALL of Ft. Leonard Wood’s CBRN schools.

You think you know about pain? Bitches, please. Let me tell you about pain. Pain is missing TWO of your friends’ funerals because you were on the other side of the continent training to fight for your country. Pain is having to tell your battle buddy that you told the drill sergeants about her frostbitten toes. Pain is the look of betrayal on her face when she realizes that not only will she most likely be medically discharged, but she just suffered through 9 weeks of hell for nothing. Pain is leaving behind terminally ill family for 20 weeks so you can train for a job that will help pay the bills.

So go on. Hate on me. Feel smug about how superior you are to me, because it’s going to reaaaaally keep me up at night.

/rant

Filed under haters to the left personal rant

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I stared at a blank page with no idea where to start.
So many words, thoughts and searing emotions
swirling in my head, clashing together,
trying to break out.

Then all the memories came flooding back,
too intense to describe.
Memories of flashing red and blue lights,
and the incessant ringing of my phone.
Memories of everyone in black.
One time, two times, three times, four times.
Memories of thousand yard stares in the faces of those too young.
Too young to never again see their loved one.

Memories of seeing my own reflection in the bottom of a glass.
Filling it up again so I wouldn’t have to look anymore,
think anymore,
feel anymore.

Memories of the bottles that took the place of the glass.
I’d rather sit in its orange reflection,
with all the false, colorful lights it brought,
than face the dark again.

But, in those moments of stupor,
I found myself not alone.
All around were pockets of suffocating darkness,
each radiating its own pain, sadness and anger.
Somehow, those pockets found one another
despite being blinded by their own darkness.
Pockets that banded together,
and clung tightly to each other
for fear of being forever lost.

But, it wasn’t until our large mass formed,
that little laughs and fleeting smiles were coaxed out.
It was there in the huddled black
that we slowly remembered how to open our eyes
and take in the light.
Bright light stung and burned our unaccustomed eyes,
eyes that had all but forgotten what anything
but the dark looked like.

Someday, our eyes will adjust,
we’ll warm our bodies in the sun,
but we will not be whole.
A piece of us was forever lost to the dark.
Days will come when that piece
will wrench us away
and force our eyes back shut,
but waiting for us will be the pieces of others
that will help us see again.

Filed under life death hope grief poetry

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It Happened. My Baby Sister Is 21. Send Help.

Back from a slight hiatus, but only because writing everything I want to write about my sis’ b-day as a FB status would be way excessive (and because my body hates me and doesn’t want me to sleep before my last final). *dusts cobwebs off Tumblr dash*

Anyhooz, I have a little tradition on family birthdays where I try to think of a memory from every year of the birthday person’s life. Obviously, I don’t have anything for my parents before they were 30-ish, but I just pretend that they were off in Korea somewhere with terrible bowl cuts, wearing huge glasses, listening to disco and eating kimbab. I digress. Usually these memories are personal experiences that we shared, but sometimes, I go with some major public event if I can’t think of anything. The only catch is that I can’t repeat memories from previous years. Whelp, here we go!

The 21 Years of Mindy Hobak Chung (bahahaha don’t kill me)

1) You turned 1! Happy 돌(잔치). You were probs wearing an adorable, little, munchkin-sized hanbok trying to figure out why the eff so many people were staring at you, taking pictures, and WHAT ARE THOSE GIANT MOUNDS OF 떡?!?! While I don’t have a picture of you on hand, I imagine you looked something like this, chubby cheeks and all. File:Dol.jpg

2) You turned 2, I’m 4. You’re stealing all the attention and eating all the ice cream cake. You suck.

3) You turned 3, I’m 5. You’re stealing all the attention and eating all the ice cream cake. You suck. I hope I gave you my chicken pox.

4) You turned 4, I’m 6. We just moved to La Crescenta, and we’re sitting in our soon-to-be dining room, eating that purpley/blue 죽 stuff with candles because Glendale Power and Water sucks more than SDGE and forgot to turn our power on.

5) Remember how we’d bring up our bikes to the living room, flip them upside down and crank the pedals as fast as we could? Well, I think this might have been the year you got your hand stuck in the chain and ripped off a huge chunk of skin from your palm. Battle scars, like a boss.

6) This is probably right around the time someone tricked you into trading your really good Pokemon cards for her fake ones. Luckily you had me to rub that really dumb move in your face. Was I an awesome sister or what? (I mean, did you really think you’d get a Charizard for a Pidgey? Gurlll, you trippin) image

7) Y2K was gonna happen and blow our computer up, so we just HAD to order that anti-virus package AOL was offering online… without telling mom. Oops.

8) All the improv dance/rhythmic gymnastics competitions in the driveway with the neighbors. We were fabulous. Like, strutting around to Backstreet Boys and ‘NSYNC while prancing around with basketballs and hula hoops kind of fabulous. Maybe not as fabulous as Olive from Little Miss Sunshine, but you get the idea.image

9) You had the same 3rd grade teacher as me (Mrs. Jang FTW), who then went on to read Island of the Blue Dolphins to the class like she does every year. Too bad you’re such a book nerd that you’d already read it three times.

10) Same 4th grade teacher as me? It’s a conspiracy! But nicest lady, fo real. We may have acquired goldfish #10 at this point from Spring Spectacular. We were reaaaaally bad at keeping those alive. Except for that huge one with a tumor that wouldn’t die for years.

11) Moved to the new house, which means new school! You’re at Valley View dealing with stupid boys that won’t leave you alone because they loooove you ;] Good thing you had me to scare ‘em ;] (Don’t mess with my sister if you like the way your face looks. I’m just sayin’)image

12) I just had my very first band camp, we’re all at the parent performance, just did our field show… and then dragged ya’ll out to the field to march with us. You were probs all huffing and puffing. WHO SAID BAND ISN’T A SPORT?! ;] image

13) Awkward middle school years.

14) More awkward middle school-ness

15) WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL AND THE CRESCENTA VALLEY MARCHING FALCONS!! (Thanks for letting me convince you to join color guard. We reaaaally needed those points at competitions ;]) image

16) Apparently, high school didn’t help your fashion choices… 

17) Junior year = hell. We’ve all been there. image

18) What happens at Prom Plus… gets posted on the interwebz ;] Also, it is my duty as the eldest to photobomb the only nice picture of you from graduation.

19) YOU LEFT ME TO GO TO COLLEGE IN PHILLY. FINE, I’MMA DITCH YOU AND JOIN THE ARMY. WHAT NOW?!?!

20) Somehow, you managed to get even weirder… image

21) … TBD. But remember, what happens in Vegas… ;]

Happy birthday, kid :]